Lacking… Maybe?

Me at the pianoI have mentioned in earlier posts that I play piano and sing, though neither very well. I will be the first to admit that I am not the best singer nor am I a fantastic pianist. I am passable, which is the best that I need to be in order to enjoy myself.

After joining the church choir I began to realize how mediocre I really am in the world of music. There are two girls who have the most beautiful singing voices, and one of them can also play the piano like nobody’s business. I really am envious of their talents.

Easter weekend is extremely busy in a church choir member’s life. We had Palm Sunday, Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Easter Vigil (Saturday night), and then Easter Sunday. I literally almost lost my voice this morning after mass due to the fact that I was trying to carry the alto part by myself (for the most part). I LOVE singing, but I am so intimidated. I was singing the harmony on a couple of the psalms and I was so nervous. I know that I’m not good like the other two, but I feel like I have my own special talent to bring to the table.

I told Jay that I’m the tuba of the group. It’s not me that the people are coming to see, unlike the other two girls, but I have my place and I add a little extra to the music. Last night after listening to them sing a couple of the psalms it made me wonder why I even bother to open my mouth at church. In fact, I dreamed about it all during the night…

I was at choir practice and they had decided to give me a fairly important part to sing. I was singing my heart out, doing the best that I could, when the one girl (who was actually my friend Jamie in this dream) came up and told me that I was a horrible singer and that I should really just give up and quit the choir. I spent the rest of the dream watching everybody fall over themselves complimenting these two, but when it came to my part of the song they all agreed that I should just give up. This was the main theme of the dream ALL NIGHT.

Kind of puts a damper on things, doesn’t it?

Tonight when I checked my email I found a message from my best friend. She had received an email from our high school class president and she wanted to share it with me. This year will be our 15 year reunion and for some reason he was imploring her to attend. This is very weird. What would motivate him to send her a message like that?

A little background… Pauline and I were always the ‘weird’ girls. We didn’t hang around with the popular girls because they were mean and nasty. Instead we stuck to our own little group and did our own thing. We read books, played piano/flute/french horn, sang, were crazy about cats, and just enjoyed being who we truly were deep inside. For some reason this bothered many of our classmates and we became targets in junior high. I was tripped in the hallway and even slapped across the face for trying to get into my own locker, not to mention the usual looks of derision. Poor Pauline had it worse. They stole her notes so that she was failing a few of her classes, they stole her library books so she was accruing late dues, and they teased her mercilessly. There were a few times that she literally just walked out of the school and went home. The teachers knew this was happening, but nothing was done because a lot of the popular kids had parents with some importance in either the school or the community. It got so bad that Pauline ended up transferring to a different school our freshman year. I wanted to go, too, but my parents couldn’t afford the tuition.

Now this same guy, one of the ones who laughed with his friends during my math class about all of the horrible stuff that they had done to Pauline, is telling her that she needs to essentially remember that we were just kids and that people change. For some reason he wants her there at the reunion because we shouldn’t harbor old grudges, etc. In fact, I was added to the reunion group on Facebook last week and it took me fifteen minutes to figure out how to get out of that group.

Why do I have to suddenly want to socialize with these people? Why should they care what Pauline and I are doing now? It’s not like we would have anything in common with them now just because we are older. Why should we have to let go of the feelings that tell us that we don’t want anything to do with those people? Just because they claim that they want to let old hurts go? No way. I’m not holding a grudge, but that doesn’t mean that I should want to socialize with them, either. Am I a better person if I can tolerate being around them for a few hours? Why can’t I just leave them all in my past where I prefer them?

It may not seem like it, but these thoughts are all connected. My dream about the choir’s stars telling me that I’m not good enough, and now the class president informing Pauline (and me in a roundabout way) that we need to get over past hurts? I wasn’t ever good enough in high school. I could work my butt off, but if I wasn’t in the right group then it didn’t matter. In choir I feel like there are cliques that I don’t belong to, and frankly really wouldn’t want to be in them, so I’m yet again in the position of being an outsider. When will I ever feel fully confident in being myself?

I feel bad thinking this way on Easter. I should be rejoicing over the fact that Jesus is our Lord and Saviour. I should have my heart full of love and Christ instead of having past hurts drudged up again, along with old worries. I am dearly loved by my husband, and all of his family, and I have a very good life. I am a very lucky woman.

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