I hate this picture of me. I feel like I look huge. I can hear it now, “No, you don’t! You look fine!” That’s too kind of you to say, but I don’t believe you. I hate my body. The only time that I was happy with how I looked was when I was very sick before being diagnosed with Celiac Disease and I had lost a ton of weight. Okay, okay… so I was horribly pale with zero energy and I felt like death would be a sweet release, but I was wearing a size that I hadn’t seen since Junior High! It was great! I really miss those days.
I know that I am not meant to be petite. Even at my thinnest I would have still been considered ‘sturdy’. It’s my height that gives me the ability to carry more weight than people realize. That doesn’t mean that it’s a good thing, though. I’ve tried losing weight a bunch of times, but it doesn’t work. I joined the gym and faithfully went four or five days a week for a year. I think that I lost five pounds. I bought an exercise DVD and used that for over six months. I don’t think that I lost any weight. I even attempted to count calories, and lost some weight, but I was constantly starving. It’s a very frustrating cycle.
The gluten free diet doesn’t make it any easier, either. Anything that you read on dieting, or cutting calories, says that you’re supposed to consume more whole grains. That would be fine if the gluten free whole grains didn’t cost an arm and a leg! Not to mention that the gluten free grains usually have to be mixed with other starches to get something close to the whole wheat consistency. So a person who substitutes two pieces of whole wheat toast for the usual white toast will be eating healthier. It doesn’t matter what I substitute for my toast because all of it is higher in calories than ‘normal’ stuff.
What makes this even more difficult is the fact that I’m a healthy eater. I don’t pick at my food like a bird. I’m a farm girl and by god I eat like one! What’s the sense of eating one cup of food if in 15 minutes you’re going to be hungry again? I realize that a lot of it is how we are trained to think, and also how you’ve trained your body, but it just frustrates the snot out of me. When I already have to be careful about what I eat and I have had to give up some of my favorite foods, it pains me to have to give up even more. Tell me who would be happy eating a 2″ square piece of gluten free pizza that has the same amount of calories as a 6″ square regular piece? Maybe I’m exaggerating, but not by much.
So I realize that I need to deal with portion control. FINE. *sigh* I will do it, but I won’t be happy about it. Another issue that I have is this GIANT sweet tooth! I should have had the dentist remove it when he removed my wisdom teeth! I’m not big on chocolate, but I love the gummy candy marshmallows, and sweet tea. If you toss ‘Bored Eater’ into the mix then you really have a recipe for disaster. At work if I don’t have a whole lot going on I will sit and wish that I had chocolate. Or skittles. Or sweet tea. I have started to take in a bottle of diet pop in the hopes that this will help my afternoon sweet tooth, but it’s just not the same. I even keep fruit flavored gum on my desk to keep my jaw occupied, but that doesn’t work either.
I have zero willpower. I can easily stay away from gluten because it makes me so sick. I wish that I reacted to sugar in the same way. I need to do something, though. So I’m going to challenge myself. It will probably make me grumpy and irritable, but I need to wean myself off of snacking, eating healthy portions, and most sugar. It’s not going to be easy, either. I just hope that I see results. That’s what frustrates me the most. Like when I was going to the gym, if I had seen the results I was looking for then I would have continued to go. Why pay money if it’s not doing what I want?
Have I mentioned that I hate exercising for the pure act of exercising? I don’t mind if it’s incorporated into something else. For instance, at work in the summer I often walk with a coworker. It doesn’t feel like exercise to me and I look forward to it every day. I get to socialize with her and also get away from my desk. I hate shoveling, but it has to be done and it burns some calories. Same thing with lawn mowing. However, to walk on a treadmill for 30+ minutes drives me insane! I have to have a book to read if I’m going to do that. I don’t feel as if I’m accomplishing anything. When I shovel at least I’m getting something else done. When I am working in my garden I am doing something productive. To me exercising is similar to sunbathing… both of them are a waste of time that could be spent doing something more productive.
So why am I posting all of this? I’m going to do my best to fit in more exercise and watch what I eat. I am not going to count calories because that annoys me, too. I will attempt to make healthier choices and find alternate things to keep my jaw and mind occupied. I know that it’s going to be hard. I might even cry. But I need your help. I need you to hold me accountable. I need you to encourage me. I need you to give me any tips that might help me over the hurdles that I’m going to face. I plan on posting every Wednesday to give you an update and let you know how it’s coming.
This is going to be a hard challenge for me. I’ve always been a fat girl so dieting and exercising doesn’t come easy to me. I’ve been reminded all of my life that I’m fat and I’m just tired of hating my body. I want to look in the mirror and think how great I look. I want to know that I truly am gorgeous enough to keep Jay’s attention. I’m not doing it for him, though. After all, he already thinks that I’m beautiful and that I don’t need to change. Yes, he earns lots of points and I love him for it. I’m doing this for myself. I need to do it for myself. Hopefully this time I will be successful.
Wish me luck!